I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’m not wrong
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?