Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
This is true.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Bro what is this
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.