12. I think about this all the damn time
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms