*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
This is a whole mood;
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie