*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.