12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
#Caturday
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.