12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.