Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You Might Also Like
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
yeet
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!