WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for