12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I will never stop laughing at this
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me irl
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.