I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance