Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”