I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.