To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.