I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house