British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.