i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
me linking you to my twitter
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs