Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
first you must answer his riddles
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit