“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Writing, She Murdered.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Spotted in New Orleans.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.