To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.