I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes