Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way