The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
so much to do
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.