Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
You Might Also Like
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The opposite of Iceland is water water
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today