What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
set yourself free xox
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?