me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Deer are just ballerina dogs
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.