I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
TODAY
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
You are what you delete.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.