Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I love wikipedia
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.