13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary