me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*