Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.