YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
At Walmart during the holidays like..
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
secret recipe
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever