Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*