Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
whatcha thinkin bout
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*