Ironic
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth