Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone