If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*