I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*