12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You can’t rush stupid.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Life cycle of cat
#merica
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”