13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
three things we don’t talk about
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.