13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D