wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
is it earth
english majors be like furthermore
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.