“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
You Might Also Like
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Sponch
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.