@hannahkimberlee: 13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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@iwearaonesie: "If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!” - the dumbest thing I've ever said
@lisasopinions: My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
@Truculent67: Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
@krisv_723: I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.