@hannahkimberlee: 13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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@TheAlexP: Maybe raccoons aren't really digging through trash for food, Maybe they're just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
@DannyZuker: Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named "Steven!"
@007Rex_Inc: Saint Peter: Name M: David SP: You're in M: Even after that night in Nogales?! SP *winks* *takes a step* *trap door opens* SP: Sucka!
@ImSoFrancis: Astronaut: I never loved you Me: how could you say that? Astronaut: it's the truth Me: no I mean like, sound doesn't travel in a vacuum