13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*