13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Just grow your own
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.