Generation gap…
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.