[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay