Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.