(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job