13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
new wife guy just dropped
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.